Spirituality as a Death Doula
My foundational goal as a death doula is to give you as much agency as possible during the time that we work together. I always ask clients about their spiritual and religious beliefs, because that helps me to understand what is important to them during that time and whether they need support from me in this area. Spirituality and religion are deeply personal, and folks at end of life can sometimes feel this more intensely than before.
Often clients will ask me about my own spirituality and religion, to better understand how I can help them. It’s a complicated question because I want to make sure to leave space to center the client’s experience and practices – without clouding the conversation with assumptions or beliefs I might bring. But I also want to be genuine and forthright about who I am and what I believe.
Generally, I share with clients that I have an eclectic spirituality that is deeply rooted in the wonder of creation and the every-day miracles that I witness around me. If you let me, I will talk—at length— about the magic of great blue herons and ospreys. I have a Christian seminary degree and sometimes use Christian theological terms to describe my experiences, but I no longer participate in Christian worship or identify as a Christian. I try to be intentional about maintaining my own spiritual health and connection to a higher-power, so that when I show up to serve clients I can focus on their needs as much as possible without bringing my own baggage into the room. I have rituals I practice before I see each client, after I finish my workday, and when a client dies. I think when I started working as a death doula, I thought that maybe I would “get used” to clients dying because it was part of the job and clearly expected in the nature of the work — but I find that every death really does impact me and I have to be sure I take time to feel my feelings and properly grieve each individual. I regularly go to therapy and participate in other mental health practices to try and ensure that as much as possible my work is focused on the needs of my clients, while I am getting my needs met elsewhere.
Sometimes I use very clear language about being an “ex-Christian” or “non-Christian,” because some clients prefer working with a provider who shares their faith. There also was a time in my life where friends and colleagues knew me as someone who would preach Christian sermons and provide Christian pastoral care to congregation members – and I want to be clear that is not my role anymore. I still love working with Christian clients when possible, and I’m always happy to help with referrals to pastors, priests, and lay members who could fill gaps where I’m no longer the right person. My expansive and eclectic faith grows bigger and stronger every time someone tells me their experiences with God – and I value those conversations.
So what does it look like when I do support someone religiously or spiritually? Some folks have specific prayers or meditations they like to have read aloud, possibly at the beginning of our visits and/or in the days leading up to their death. For some folks it’s important to have certain colors, flowers, symbols, artifacts, or icons bedside during their last days of life. Some folks have questions or concerns about theology and mortality that feel pressing at the end of life – and they want to talk it out with someone who feels comfortable having those conversations and can be trusted to listen and not judge. Some folks may want to connect with a faith leader for support, but don’t know where to start and may want conversation or referrals around those questions. It’s different for every person. My job is to show up, to listen, and to offer support or resources where possible.
